The Non Escape
“You can’t run away forever. But there’s nothing wrong with getting a good head start….”
This weekend, I should have been running the Escape from Meriden. But that never happened. Instead, I’ve had to confront my true, inner most demons, and face the biggest lie I’ve carried for nearly 20 years.
firstly, I am seeking no sympathy here. The situation I find myself in currently is of my own making. And only I can change this. I’m writing this as a therapy, to try find myself, and allow people to know what I truly am.
So, my darkest secret. I have a voice. Inside my head. Which isn’t my own. The only way I can describe this is its similar to the Tom and Jerry cartoons, when Jerry had the angel and the devil on his shoulders. Now normally, the angel side is in control, it’s the rational side of me. Where everything is ” normal ” and I can see everything as it should. From time to time, the devil side would pipe up. Now in my head it has a different voice. It sounds different from me, and is extremely convincing. It’ll make me paranoid and angry. it’ll make me think people are out to hurt me, that they don’t love me, and I needed to hurt them first before they hurt me. This would then cause me distress that I would do such a thing and I would find myself in a cycle where I couldn’t get out of easily. I’d like to stress here this voice wants me to hurt people emotionally, and has only ever encouraged me to physically harm myself. I can’t remember exactly when this began, but I know my behaviours changed in my teens, and I remember having this inner conflict in my head. I never said anything when I was younger because I feared I would be locked up, that I was some sort of freak. So I attempted to hide it as best as possible and created a persona, a front. By the time I knew it wasn’t something I should be ashamed of, I had created such a front and web of lies, I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how to stop, and I continued to hurt people, especially those who were closest to me, the ones I truly loved and cared for. Some stayed around, Loved me for who I am, and others walked away.
Come Friday night, I was in trouble. I have hurt friends with my lies over the last few months. My voice had convinced me they were conspiring against me and thought they were going to hurt me. So I hurt them first. Saying awful things such as they weren’t really my friends and they hadn’t been helping me etc. I found myself in the vicious cycle again, digging deeper and deeper to this point. They walked away. And rightly so. I had spun such a web of lies and deceit, I couldn’t remember what was the truth and what was a lie. I couldn’t even walk through Tesco’s (other stores are available) without thinking people were staring at me and wanted to harm me. The voice mocked me. It told me it was right and no one loved me, I was worthless and now I needed to end it. I wasn’t needed in this world. This world doesn’t need a monster like me, that my children needed a dad they could be proud of, and that could never be. So, as I drove to Meriden, the voice was consuming my head. It told me as soon as I could, I needed to jump off somewhere, and end it all. I drove for an hour until I couldn’t take anymore. Isabel and Jocelyn kept popping into my head. I began to cry. I couldn’t take anymore. I got out the car and allowed Antonia to drive me home. The voice, still mocking me for being a coward, and that no one could ever want a monster as a friend or a father. I spent this weekend highly suicidal. Planning on how I could carry it out. But at all times, the thought of my girls came to the front.
I’ve spent the last few days reflecting. Reflecting on the emotional pain I’ve caused people over the years, especially my parents and my siblings. How I’ve pushed people to breaking point and cause them to walk away, just like the three that have this week. And I don’t think I’ve hurt anyone as much as I’ve hurt them. I can apologise until I’m blue in the face, but it makes no difference. I now realise this is it. The line in the sand has to be drawn. The only way I can deal with this now is practice what I preach, and seek professional help. I’ve become an expert at making excuses for myself. But I can’t any longer. I know I’ll never regain what I lost, the friendships etc. But I do hope one day I can at least earn their respect for the change I have made, and what they witnessed wasn’t truly me, but something I allowed to get out of hand and not deal with.
I am truly ashamed of all the wrongs I’ve done in the past, but there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that now. What I can do however is change my future, become something both Isabel and Jocelyn can be proud of. Again, I’m truly not looking for sympathy, but I have received some incredible messages over the weekend from people with nothing but love and support. And I feel blessed for that.
Looking back, my running has been an outlet to run away from the wrongs I’ve done. There’s no one on the mountain but me. I don’t have to face anything while I’m up there. I do love running, I really do. But its lost it meaning. I need to find my love for it again for my own good. I just hope with seeking professional help, this will come along also.
As a final thought, I hope this can help others face their demons, and fight them full on. Now I have been completely honest, I can do what I set out to do, and raise real awareness of mental health issues and show people they shouldn’t be ashamed. Of course I’m worried about what others may think. And yes, I do worry about people changing the way they are with me. But I cannot continue like this. I cannot continue hurting people and being a hypocrite.
And really finally this time, I want to apologise to my whole family, but mainly my mum and dad. They are incredible parents, who brought me up right. And with the way I’ve behaved over the years, I have let them down the most. I only hope one day I can make them proud of me again. Much love to you all xx
“Fate whispers to the warrior, you cannot withstand the storm. The warrior whispers back, I am the storm….”